I can’t make up my mind whether I can commit whole-heartedly to saying that last week sucked huge sweaty balls. It was kind of a back and forth kind of week. Bad stuff followed by good stuff immediately followed by more bad stuff, and then good stuff again. All in all, I’d say it ended on a good note, so that counts for something. Trumping it all, still, is the fact that I am having a baby girl, just like my intuition kept telling me, and that can always bring a smile to my face, no matter what kind of crap is trying to make me frown. Ada Sophia. She’s real now. She’s real, and she’s going to be here in 4 months. Oh my god.
If you’re one of those people who say that the week begins on Sunday, then the week for me began shittily. Don’t bother looking it up, it’s not a real word. Big fight with the husband, followed by approximately 2.5 days of being held prisoner in my own head, where I could not stop thinking about everything with a sort of melancholy piano driven soundtrack playing quietly in the background in my brain. You know what kind of mental state I mean. I was genuinely depressed for a couple of days. But without going into all the gory details, we ended up handling it maturely and communicating with each other, and I feel really confident in us at the moment. It’s been a seriously long time since we’ve gone through this kind of ordeal, and just as long since I’ve felt as low as I did those couple of days. But it was good to find that we can still weather these things and come out better than before. That feeling is worth more than anything.
So that was Tuesday evening that the hubs and I worked out our issues, and I started feeling good again. Wednesday less important crap, but still crap, lowered my freshly re-acquired good mood a couple of notches. The work day turned sour when I overheard a remark I wasn’t supposed to hear, made by the boss whose dislike for me I wasn’t supposed to acknowledge from 8:30am to 5:00 pm, Monday through Friday. But now she opened her big mouth just a little too wide and allowed her foot to slip into it, and I am no longer pretending during those business hours, and that’s kind of nice. It wasn’t like it was a new discovery – we haven’t liked each other for years. But I foolishly assumed that because I am capable of behaving professionally and maturely during the aforementioned hours and days, that she was too. And although I will continue to behave professionally and maturely because, well, I’m at work, and I'm older than 15, it’s kind of nice not to have to pretend I want either of us to have anything to do with each other outside of being co-workers. As far as I am concerned, when I walk out the door at 5:00, she no longer exists. It’s kind of a shame that she can’t take the same attitude about me. Who knows, maybe I should be flattered that I have to do so little to get under her skin. I just know that I’m happy to be the adult. What sucks is not really being able to discuss it with anyone except my poor husband. What also sucks is that I actually did spend a lot of time and energy trying to be her friend a long time ago. I regret that more than words can say. I just wish my work day didn't have to feel so much like the 10th grade. And I wish I could count on other people to stand up for me instead of enabling her, but at this point, I'm just grateful I have the balls to do it for myself, and the clarity to see the boundaries of my friendships.
Thursday was my birthday. It was disappointing, if I can speak honestly. This was a bad thing following a bad thing, unfortunately, before the weekend started looking up again. I'm officially in the last two years of my 20's, and that's depressing enough. But it sort of felt like nobody bothered with me much this year. And I'm not high maintenance - I'm not talking gifts and lavish attention. I'm talking not hearing from my own dad at all on my birthday, not even an email. I'm talking getting ONLY an email from my own mother, not even a phone call. Nothing from my sister, (who, to be fair, is only 13, so I suppose it's forgivable) and even on Facebook, some of my family members couldn't even take 30 seconds to write "Happy Birthday"? Then Sunday one of my oldest friends was visiting from Columbus, and I didn't even get a card. I mean, I don't need very much. But acknowledgement isn't so much to ask, is it? I know I'm super emotional these days, but I've never disregarded anyone's birthday, be it family or friends. And it really hurts my feelings that so many people I consider close couldn't even be bothered to write two words on a card or an email, or a Facebook wall. I feel like I've treated these people better than that all these years. And it's nothing that's going to be relationship ending, obviously, but I do have hurt feelings. And that sucks. I guess it especially bothers me that my dad pretty much didn't bother. Every year I take the time to MAKE him my own card, because I know he really likes it, and it makes him laugh. I've spent a large portion of my life forgiving him for pretty much making my childhood suck, and still to this day go out of my way to be close with him. I don't know. I just feel a little lonely these days I guess.
I'm so thankful to Ryan for sort of being the one thing to balance out the crappy birthday stuff. He made it really nice for me, and was very thoughtful. He took me out to a wonderful dinner Thursday night, and made me feel special. Without that, the weekend probably wouldn't have ended on a good note like it did. Friday was pretty uneventful - pretty much average. Nothing particularly good or bad. Saturday my great Aunt took me, Ryan, my mom, dad, and sister out to lunch for my birthday, and that was nice. It made me feel a little better about things. My dad actually showed up for that, and I decided that it wasn't worth ruining the beautiful day to be shitty about my hurt feelings. So I just had a nice time with my family. And I'm glad that I did. Ryan and I enjoyed the rest of the day in a pretty relaxed state. And it was sunny outside for once, so that helped.
Sunday we visited with Ryan's dad for a couple of hours, and then went to Quaker Steak to watch football in the afternoon with a couple of friends. It's never quite as enjoyable for me anymore, since I can't sit and drink beer for 4 hours with everyone else, but I manage, with my Pepsi and a crazy straw. Without the crazy straw, I don't know. But luckily, there are crazy straws. After the games, we came home and carved pumpkins to get ready for Halloween, which I always enjoy doing. For the record, I had to free-hand my pumpkin design this year, because my printer is broken, and I couldn't print out any templates. I think it turned out pretty good, all things considered. Also, the pumpkin I carved was approximately 734 pounds, and we got a TON of seeds out of it. I love roasted pumpkin seeds.
So thus ends my 7 days of waffling between happy and sad. I still feel like I am balancing on the very edge of being in a funk-free zone. But I'm working it the best I can. I imagine I'll be in a more stable position once this week has ended too. Almost everything can be made better with enough time.
