I've spent the weeks since my dad's diagnosis vacillating between bathroom lock-in cries or drinking way too much at night before unloading spontaneous, drunken, emotional torrential outpouring on my poor husband, and trying desperately to stifle the shocking rage that can suddenly overtake me in less than 30 seconds lately. You know, so I don't end up unemployed and unable to raise my daughter from a prison cell. The anger - white hot, constantly simmering, unshakeable anger. I havent felt this since I lost my mind after giving birth. And I'm not sleeping again. I recognize these red flags. I remember them because I'm not all that far removed from the first time depression swallowed me up. And I know I have to start thinking about getting help with it again. This year has just defeated me already. I keep waving the white flag - I'm not too proud - but it doesn't give a flying fuck.
I had to stay home from work today to take care of my sick toddler. And just as I was really feeling like I was rocking this mom thing, I find out that as always, my absence was treated as an apocolypse and simply nobody could be spared for 2 hours to fill in for me. So, I apologize that I have a sick child I'd like to care for (being her mom and all) because she can't go to grandma's since grandma is busy taking care of my cancer ridden father. Congratulations on fucking me over more than life already has this year. I hope you sleep well enough for the both of us tonight. Because I don't. And I don't even have the "luxury" of taking a guilt free day off to care for my child, let alone a day to myself to just be able to feel what I feel right now without an audience. No wonder I can't process anything right now. I have no time alone.
I'm running away with my thoughts now. Basically I just give up right now. Life is testing me this year and I am scared and bitter and alone and worried about when things will ever be good again. I am tired and need time to breathe and rest my heart and brain. But the universe doesn't want to give me that right now.
