It happened. I'm pregnant. After all the months of worrying, whining, waxing frustrated and pining the ears off of my nearest and dearest, it finally happened. And now I feel like it didn't take all THAT long... It's funny how your perspective changes when you finally get the thing you wanted for so long.
I am 10 weeks along at this moment. I know this because I had my first doctor's visit yesterday, and now have my first photographic evidence of the little vaguely baby shaped blob residing inside my uterus. It was pretty amazing to see it pop up on the screen. And the relief to see the little flicker that is the heartbeat, was something beyond what I can describe. Leading up to my appointment I had frequently worked myself into a tizzy of paranoia and anxiety about whether or not everything was growing accordingly, and still moving along on track in there. So to see it in front of me sort of washed me in this fantastic, refreshing wave of relief. All of this is a feeling which is new to me. But it is incredibly special already.
I am so unbelievably excited and happy. I am also terrified. There have been one or two nights that I have kept myself awake a little longer than I intended to, thinking and worrying about what lies ahead for my life, my marriage, my body, etc. And though I'm pretty sure it's normal to do this, sometimes I have to reassure myself with the psychologist voice I often use inside my head to make sure I don't allow myself to go crazy. I have way too easy a time going crazy over things like the blinds being uneven, or the paper towels being ripped off of the roll in places other than the designated perforation, so these types of fears have to be handled with extreme care in my nutty head.
I have this feeling that it's going to be a girl. I will not be disappointed if it isn't, but I feel strongly that it is. I can't stop wondering what our child is going to look like. My fervent hope is that boy or girl, it is blessed with Ryan's hair. Physical attributes aside, my mind often gets completely lost in space thinking ahead about this baby growing up, and all of the challenges and rewards that are going to come with it. I can't imagine it, even though I try to. Yet I know that no matter what elaborate story my mind lathers up, it will be nothing close to reality, and there will be things I could have never anticipated. But I'm ready for that. I'm ready for someone new to wrap my heart around and deem another piece of the puzzle closer to completing my life. I love to love, and I can think of nothing more perfect than a child of my own to allow me to indulge myself in that way.
I felt like I could write for hours about this, but there are too many things going on in my brain right now. I will continue to sort them out, but for now, I just need to revel quietly in the monumental changes that are taking place.
