I've been in a funk recently. I blame the hormones coursing through my bloodstream thanks to the little person inside me. I won't know whether it's a him or a her to blame for a few more weeks, but s/he is most likely the culprit. S/he isn't satisfied with stealing all of my fluids and forcing me to down 5 bottles of water by 4pm every day, and then sending me to the bathroom every 40 minutes. S/he has to steal my emotional stability as well. But it's okay, baby, you'll find plenty of things to blame me for in the years to come.
Anyways. I'm having some anxiety about the changes taking place for me specifically, and the changes that are going to take place after the baby is born. I know that this is all "normal" and all of these feelings are "common". But frankly I don't care how many people have felt the same things I'm feeling, it doesn't make it easier. I don't have an adorable round belly yet. It's just this protruding blob keeping me in this limbo between regular clothes and maternity clothes. I can't win. I feel gross and terrible about my body right now. I feel completely unattractive. And I keep thinking that if I feel this way now, just wait until after I have the baby. How hard is it going to be to find the energy and the time to get back into shape? Will I have the willpower to do it? Am I going to be a shapeless blob for the rest of my life? And is there going to be an echo effect in my lady parts when this is all said and done? Because I feel like I'm going to be a used up hag by the middle of March. And maybe I'm being slightly dramatic, but sometimes these things set off sirens in my brain and I start to panic. I don't want it to seem like I'm not excited - I am so incredibly happy to have been able to have this experience. And even though I haven't even experienced it in totality yet, I'm pretty sure I want to do it again in a few years. I'm just feeling a lot of different things that sort of run the gamut. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry for 2 hours, and other times I just want to write sappy and completely embarrassing poems to my baby.
I haven't been very amorous for the past few months. And most of this is due to the way I'm feeling about myself, but it's hard to explain that to my husband. I feel like I'm just incredibly disappointing lately, and that doesn't make a good combination with my self-image at the moment. I've just felt like I'm not exciting enough anymore, not attractive enough anymore, not interesting enough anymore. And then when I get through feeling weepy about it, sometimes I get resentful about it. "How dare you feel any disappointment in me, or feel any sense of dissatisfaction, when you have no idea what I'm going through / You have no idea what this is like / If it happened to you, it would be quite interesting to see how you felt" and all that sort of stuff. Of course I never say those things because I know they are stemming from the crazies that frequently take over my mental state lately. And the truth is, I can't even say I know exactly how my husband feels about me lately. I just have my guesses. I suppose I should at least be thankful that I'm AWARE that my thoughts and feelings are not always rational anymore. They can be pretty extreme. And I can feel pretty stupid about them later. Until they start again...
I've noticed that I've been less inclined to hide what I'm feeling a lot of times just to keep the peace. That can be good and bad. Coming from a person who could have made a career out of keeping everything stuffed down inside for whatever sake I deemed necessary at any given time, this is sort of new for me. Sometimes it feels good when I suddenly find my mouth saying out loud what I'm thinking about someone or something right at that moment, and other times I wonder if I'm going to regret it. The truth is, I feel almost like I've gained a little bit more perspective on certain things, now that I'm pregnant. Different things are becoming more or less important than they were before. And I haven't (I don't THINK...) been a raving bitch or anything, but I've been a little short. I've surprised myself a lot recently with the degree to which I'm less inclined to give my efforts where they are not appreciated. It's a lesson I think I can benefit from learning, but carefully. And I'm trying to be careful with it. I don't want to be a jerk. But I do hope that after the baby comes, and the hormones are out of my system, I can remember that I don't have to be completely nice ALL the time. Sometimes you need to be a little less passive.
I've spent pretty much my whole life obsessing about how people are feeling, and if I've done and/or said everything exactly the way I meant it, as not to give the wrong impression, or contribute to any ill feelings. It's exhausting. I've always felt an aversion toward asking for help and taking things for myself. And these are not completely healthy ways of doing things. I've always just wanted to be as little trouble as possible. I don't really know why. Someday when I go back to therapy I would love to get to the bottom of it all. Not too long ago, I had a tiff with Ryan and he said that I just never ask for anything so that in instances such as the tiff we were having, I could use that as a way to be a martyr. (I'm paraphrasing) That hurt a lot, and I realized after some time that it hurt because it really 100% is not true. But I know it probably seems that way. It's not that I like that about myself, because I don't. I've just been that way as long as I can remember, and I don't know how not to be. I've put everyone ahead of myself for my entire life, and I don't know any other way. I've already admitted it's unhealthy. I'm not unaware of that. But it's really and truly who I am, and it was the way that accusation devalued my authenticity that hurt me the most. But it also made me remember that I have some issues in this area that need to be worked on.
I think I've just been really evaluating myself a lot lately on top of everything else, because the farther along I become in this pregnancy, the more I start thinking about the ways I don't want to fuck up my kid. I know that there are no perfect parents out there, but I know I have some things to work out, and I don't want to pass any of my issues onto my child. It's one of my greatest fears.
So there it is. A lot more detailed than I even intended to get in this entry, but it just kind of started pouring out of me. But I think that's better, because it was nice to organize my thoughts and let them out into the ether. Lucky you.
