Beginnings

Beginnings are color

vibrancy and forward momentum

confidence and freshness

and rejuvenation.

A slow deep breath

and resting of the eyes

just before greeting

the commencement.

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster.  I just lied.  That was a joke.  It is not a joke that I should watch Goodfellas again sooner than later.  The truth is that the first thing I can remember ever wanting to be is a ballerina.  If you've met me, you will find comedy in this.  I am fairly certain this initial aspiration of mine was due largely to the fact that a frilly pink ballerina get-up was one of my earliest Halloween costumes.  There are many a picture of me in this costume, mainly because I probably never would have worn anything else if it were up to me.  Thankfully, it wasn't up to me.

I imagine I am not the only girl whose first dream was heavily influenced by something like a Halloween costume decided upon by her mother.  Pretty, pink sparkly things are probably the most persuasive items in the universe to six year old girls (and some much, much older), after all.  I couldn't tell you all of the many changing aspirations which followed my ballerina phase, mostly because I don't remember them all.  However, when I think about it now, the thing that strikes me most is that almost 22 years later, the real truth is that I'm no closer to actually knowing where I want my life to go, or what I want to become.  Not a ballerina.  But at least when I wanted to be a ballerina, I WANTED to be a ballerina.

I guess as I've melted slowly into adulthood, I've become less inspired.  I don't like that, and I would like to continuously remind myself that there are some valuable and beneficial aspects of youth worth retaining.  This is why I'm writing again.  Writing was such a vast part of my identity in my teen years, and even into my early twenties, before I discovered the other fun things I could occupy my time with after turning 21.  But then life kind of took me over, instead of the other way around.  And now, when I ponder the things I might truly want out of life, I think of things like a long and happy marriage, maybe a promotion, and the ability to start and provide for my own family (which I'm finding is far easier to take for granted than you'd think).  Those things are good, heartfelt aspirations which are core to my foundation.  I like that.  It makes me feel good in spirit.  But I am craving some creativity, some spark, some stars in my eyes again.  Because I'm realizing that I still have to be myself, and I get to decide who that is, what makes me happy.  I get to choose, and I don't have to care how it appears to anyone else.  Like the fact that no matter what, I will ALWAYS put two spaces after a period.  I don't care.  It's the right thing to do.  If I want to walk around in a tutu, I'm doing it.  But for right now, in this moment, what makes me happy is sharing this blog.  And that's what I'm going to do.