Baby steps

It's hard and scary when you realize you need to start over. When you realize people and things in your life are no longer aiding your growth and vice versa. When you see all that's left between you is a shell in the shape of past and memories, and a fleck of remaining effort to make it seem like it isn't so hollow. But I've been in this place before and I do believe it's helped me to come to the realization it's time to let go much more quickly now. It's time to make room for the next people and experiences which will shape and teach me. 

So much of what I've been going through lately has had dual purpose. It's helping me pinpoint where I need the most help, and showing me who I can expect to help me through it. And it's been incredibly painful to realize how lonely I actually am, but I feel like its for the better long term. Sometimes you miss something really amazing because you're not looking for it. You don't realize you need to. You don't consider that you have the room for it because you thought all those slots were filled. So while it hurts like hell to finally see how actually open those slots are, at least they now have potential. 

So many things have been churned and upheaved in me, and now as the dust is just beginning to settle, I have to figure out how all the pieces fit together. Because they've changed. I have hope that this new picture, once revealed, will be even more vibrant and inspiring. I am optimistic about it, as there have been very few times I've gone through a time like this with nothing to show for it in the end. But right now I haven't put the pieces together yet. I'm just beginning to breathe again. To be able to fall asleep on my own again. To have more than two days in a row when I don't end up sobbing on a pile of laundry. So I'll happily continue to take this one day at a time until even more answers come to light. And I'll happily accept the necessity of starting back at square one in order to embrace a better future. One where I am as important as the things and people I love. To them, and to me.