Oh, hi 2013.

It seems like I've fallen into a pattern of updating every 2 months. I guess it could be worse. It could definitely be better. At any rate, it's a new year. My daughter is turning a year old in less than a month, and I don't know where the time went.

Things have been really good for the most part. Ada is more fun and entertaining every day. I've started a new position at work which I love, and have wanted for a long time. I look forward to most days during the week and am just generally more content. There was a time when Ada was tiny that I felt the ground had been yanked from under me and I'd never find my footing again. But now I feel that everything has fallen into place so amazingly and I love each day's challenges and rewards.

Ryan and I have tentatively decided that come June, we will stop actively trying to NOT add another little human to our family. Assuming we are still in an ok financial situation. It doesn't mean I'm going to start charting my ovulation and basal temperature fluctuations like a crazy person again just yet, but I won't be taking my pill anymore. I'm excited to be nearing that time again. And nervous of course. But 100% happy.

So that's where I'm at right now. At the end of the day, I'm in a good place right now and feeling fulfilled and confident. I'm going to ride it out as long as I possibly can.

I'm Still Alive!

Holy abandoned blog. It's been a long time. Contrary to what it seems, I've thought about writing an entry many, many times over the past months. I just generally don't have time. And when I do, I'm too tired. Things have been happening though. Life has been chugging along.

Ada is 9 months old. What?! 9 months! I don't even know how the heck we got here so fast. She is so amazing. And she's getting to be such a funny, beautiful little person. She has the best personality, and she just brightens up my whole heart every day. She is constantly amazing me with so many things. She's so smart, and she's so determined. She is also probably going to be the most stubborn person that ever lived. I didn't think anyone could be more stubborn than me, but I fear for what the teenage years will bring, if these 9 months have been any indication. Right now it's usually hilarious, but there will come a point when it is less hilarous and more the reason I throw myself off the roof of my house. :)

I have officially been taking Paxil for two months now. It has pretty much changed my world. When I think about the place I was in before, it scares me. It was bad. And it's a great relief that I can look back on it now and think, "How effed up WAS I??? Whoa". I handle everything pretty much in stride now. I roll with the punches. I deal with things as they come, and I don't let them crush me. It's a pretty huge feat for me. One I never really thought I would be able to master. But these past two months have been completely different for me. Life doesn't feel like a plastic bag over my head anymore. I am enjoying it. Now that I'm responding like a normal, mentally healthy person to the challenges that I face, I realize that I have absolutely come to love being a mother more than anything in the world. It is phenomenal. Even with all the tough parts. I just feel that there is no amount of freedom, travel, full nights of sleep or hours spent in front of the computer that will ever again be worth even a fraction of what the experience of being Ada's mommy is worth. I love it. I can't imagine that I was ever not a parent. Everything before seems so shallow in a way. Life now is so rich and fulfilling. All because of this little 20 pound bundle of energy that has only been here for 9 months. That is an incredible thing, isn't it? And a little secret I've been trying to keep to myself, because I think most people would call me crazy, is that lately I just keep thinking about having another one. If we were in a better financial situation at the moment, I would be more serious about it. I know Ada isn't even a year old yet. I just can't describe how much I love this job. It's so exciting to think of creating another little person that I love so much more than everything in the world. I am addicted to the love that I feel for my child. (No Robert Palmer jokes, please. You're better than that.)

Last month my therapist and I mutually agreed that I seem to be in a very good place since I started coming for counseling, and since I've started my prescription. So I no longer go for weekly counseling sessions. We agreed that I will only come in if and when I feel like I need a little tune up, or if something starts feeling overwhelming again. I'm so happy to have reached this point. And it didn't take nearly as long as I thought it was going to. I love that my medication allows me to let things roll off my back and not get so overwhelmed by things. But the longer I'm on it, I'm not sure that I'm always recognizing when I am legitimately upset by something. It sort of takes all the sharp edges off of every emotion. It takes a hell of a lot to make me cry anymore, and that has its pros and cons. I don't know if this is how normal is supposed to feel or if I'm not fully feeling my feelings when things bother me. Today I feel a little down about a couple of things, but it's kind of like I know they're there, and it's nagging at me, but I can't fully bring myself to examine them enough to figure out whether they are important enough to discuss. My Psychiatrist said that a lot of people on this medication describe themselves as feeling just "whatever" about most things. Like "I don't care" a lot of times. And although that's pretty much what I needed, because I was at the total opposite end of the spectrum before, when it comes to legitimate things that may be upsetting me, I slightly worry that I'm not giving them due credit because of that. And it's still important to work things out if they don't feel right. I don't know. It's a little weird trying to sort out this new disposition I find myself in. It's largely unfamiliar territory for me, not being so incredibly affected by everything. Maybe I just have to get used to what it feels like to be able to deal with things. How horrible does that sound? True though.

Forward Momentum

This week is therapy appointment number three.  I think it's going well. Mostly for right now I think it's the having a plan in motion that is keeping me above water. I still have two weeks befor I see the Psychiatrist and start on an antidepressant. But in the meantime, my therapist is beginning to help me learn to surrender control in certain areas, which I desperately need to do if I ever want to not feel like one big wound up rubber band ball. So far this has entailed allowing Ryan to put Ada to bed three times per week. So far so good, although I still have a minor panic attack each time. I'll get another test this Saturday when we go out for our anniversary and my mom puts her to bed. Yikes.

Other areas of life right now are okay, if not a little daunting. I've decided to start trying to find a new job. Which is hard to make myself do after 8 years of accumulated comfort. Also the fact that I do plan to have another baby sometime before Ada is 3, so I'm a little nervous about that. But the truth is I have to do it. My current situation is making me unhappy. Just plain unhappy. It's time to face change.  I would like to have found something new by year's end, but I'm not positive that will work out. What I can't do is make any rash decisions, because we need two constant incomes. But I'd really like a fresh start away from the negativity and effed up dynamics that unfortunately seem to have to overshadow plain work. I'm not a happy person there. I hate every second of it anymore. Not to mention that if I even think about this being the last job I ever have, I have failed at life. I think my lack of confidence is why I'm still there at all. Yet another issue to tackle at therapy. But I need a new path. And I've realized it's work which is eating up a very large percentage of my satisfaction with my life. So it's up to me to change it. The people who make me feel badly inside the office have no control outside of it. So I'm going to stay outside of it.

I feel like next year will be a lot about personal change and goals. And I feel I'm on a good path to accomplish that. I hope I'm right.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first therapy appointment. I'm a lot more nervous than I thought I'd be. When I made the appointment I was so desperate for relief. So anxious for help. It was like a piece of heaven imagining sitting down on that couch and spewing forth the longest, possibly incoherent, ramble of all of my woes and begging for something to help me right this second. However, ever since I made that appointment, it's like things have been noticeably better. To the point where now I'm sitting here the day before my appointment, thinking, "do I really need to do this?". But I know the answer is yes.

I suspect a couple of things going on here. Since I made my appointment, I've known in my brain that help is around the corner, and it has made things easier to deal with in my day to day. So I've been better able to cope. Better able to not let the world crash down on me when Ada only sleeps for 35 minutes, or Ryan spends 3 hours on Saturday morning playing video games while I'm confined to the couch holding a baby and reading a book on my iphone during her catnaps. And then repeats the cycle a couple of hours later. Usually it makes me feel like my life is spiraling down the toilet. But this past week I've been surprised at how I've rolled with the punches. Only briefly yesterday did I have to go upstairs with Ada for a little bit because I felt the panicky, suffocating tightness rising up in my chest, and the tears starting. I talked myself down pretty quickly though, and we moved on to other things. In some psychopathic way, I was relieved to have that moment, because it made me feel like I do, in fact, still need this appointment tomorrow.

The other thing I suspect is that I'm just doing what I always do when I'm nervous about something, or out of my comfort zone. My mind suddenly plays a game called, "everything is fine, you don't need change" because I do fear change. So my brain tries to convince me that I've solved whatever problem caused me to seek help in the first place, and that I no longer need to face this big thing that has been looming. It's sort of a self preservation measure, I think, to keep me safe in my comfort zone. But that in itself is something that therapy will help me with. So, fail. Fail, brain, fail. I'm not falling for it this time, and I'm going to therapy anyways, so suck it. You can't hide in my head anymore.

I've realized that even when I am doing pretty well, relatively speaking, I'm still just constantly in a state of tension. That's my anxiety in full effect. I don't really know what it's like to feel truly relaxed. It's like my insides are just always tightly wound, and even when I'm appearing relaxed on the outside, I'm a chaotic mess underneath, and everything is in overdrive. This is why I keep myself awake so often with the most random, unnecessary dialogue in my brain, just constant chatter up there about any and everything. And the problem with the dialogue in my brain is that it never needs to stop to take a breath.

At any rate, I'm nervous about going tomorrow. But I know deep down it's the most right thing I've done in a while. And that feels good. I just never imagined myself getting to this point. I don't know. It makes me sad that I'm so sad, so often. I didn't want to be this person, and I let it go for too long. I know I'm taking the steps to change it now, but I regret wasting so much time and life being so much more unhappy than I needed to be. You can't get it back.

Personal victories

I did it. I made the phone call I've been avoiding for so long. I have an appointment with a therapist a week from Tuesday. I feel good about it. Optimistic and proud of myself. Two things I can't recall feeling at all in the last several months or more. It needed to be done. Ada and I had a very, very rough morning on Thursday, and I felt sick to my stomach most of the day about how my depression is affecting her. The enormous personal responsibility I feel to get help for her sake maybe more than my own drove me to pick up the phone. And my mother begging me to do it helped too. I hate when she is constantly worried sick about me. That's part of my character too-I just can't stand causing stress in anyone else. I will always absorb it all myself first, of I can. But lately I've been leaning on my mom a lot when things are really bad in my head and she has been carefully trying to push me to seek professional help. It's become clear that I'm still suffering postpartum depression on addition to anxiety and oc tendencies. Those things I've dealt with even before I ever had Ada. But since having her, I haven't ever really felt like myself again. 

Before Ryan and I got married, I went to therapy for a couple months to try and work out some trust and relationship issues I had because of my family. Some of it helped, but thinking back on it now, I realize clearly two things. One, I hadn't become aware yet of all the things in my brain and behavior contributing to my constant unhappiness which require professional assistance. I am aware of a ton more of them now. I'm also about 6 or 7 years older and wiser now. Secondly, I wasn't truly ready to open myself up then and accept the help I truly needed. I am now. So ready. In fact I don't know where to start when I get there. The embarrassment and reservations are gone now. I just desperately want relief and a brighter future. I need confidence that I can raise my daughter well, and not hurt her because of my own mental health issues. I want to sleep again without battling the relentless and rambling thoughts.    

This is the first step. And just having it behind me now has left me with more calm than I've felt in nearly 6 months. I think things are going to be okay. And I'm willing to work my ass off for that. 

Baby steps

It's hard and scary when you realize you need to start over. When you realize people and things in your life are no longer aiding your growth and vice versa. When you see all that's left between you is a shell in the shape of past and memories, and a fleck of remaining effort to make it seem like it isn't so hollow. But I've been in this place before and I do believe it's helped me to come to the realization it's time to let go much more quickly now. It's time to make room for the next people and experiences which will shape and teach me. 

So much of what I've been going through lately has had dual purpose. It's helping me pinpoint where I need the most help, and showing me who I can expect to help me through it. And it's been incredibly painful to realize how lonely I actually am, but I feel like its for the better long term. Sometimes you miss something really amazing because you're not looking for it. You don't realize you need to. You don't consider that you have the room for it because you thought all those slots were filled. So while it hurts like hell to finally see how actually open those slots are, at least they now have potential. 

So many things have been churned and upheaved in me, and now as the dust is just beginning to settle, I have to figure out how all the pieces fit together. Because they've changed. I have hope that this new picture, once revealed, will be even more vibrant and inspiring. I am optimistic about it, as there have been very few times I've gone through a time like this with nothing to show for it in the end. But right now I haven't put the pieces together yet. I'm just beginning to breathe again. To be able to fall asleep on my own again. To have more than two days in a row when I don't end up sobbing on a pile of laundry. So I'll happily continue to take this one day at a time until even more answers come to light. And I'll happily accept the necessity of starting back at square one in order to embrace a better future. One where I am as important as the things and people I love. To them, and to me. 

Enough

I realize that I need to learn how to be as selfish and self serving as everyone fucking else.  But see, my conscious gets the best of me.  Which is useless.  Because trying to be a selfless person gets you nowhere.  I'm so sick of it.  Too bad it's a habit at this point.  Because I would change it in a blink of an eye if I didn't have such an issue with guilt.  And why the hell do I feel guilty about anything?  It's not like I ever get my efforts reciprocated.  Yes, I'm throwing a tantrum.  I'm at least taking the opportunity to do THAT for myself.  And screw you if you have a problem with it.  

That is all.