It's 3 days before Christmas, and I'm in a horrible place mentally. Yesterday I had so many mood swings I thought I might actually be going insane. Mostly I just feel sad. For a few reasons. A couple I know are legitimate, and others I don't know if I'm just making worse than it really is. Either way, the result is the same.
I'm sad because I used to love Christmas so, so much. And I can't feel anything at all about it anymore. Everyone is so negative this time of year. My husband hates the holidays, and over the years it's successfully worn me down to feeling more anxiety over the thing I used to look so forward to than anything else. I miss the way I used to feel this time of year. I miss it more than I can say. Things aren't the same at Christmas anymore either. The traditional family gatherings I grew up with, which made me feel so good, have changed dramatically because of time. My great aunts and uncle are in their 80's now, and we celebrate without two of them because of Alzheimers. They were always like extra grandparents to me. And so much of my childhood was spent over Jo-Jo's house because my dad was constantly playing shows with his band and my mom would go to watch. And now instead of us all gathering at her house with her amazing cooking for the holidays, we bring her leftovers, and I spend more time wondering if this is the last year any of them will even be here, instead of letting this be a time of thanks and unity. There is just more of a thick layer of sadness and foreboding hanging over all the things that used to bring me so much happiness this time of year. I have nobody to share in the joy I used to get from all of this, nobody to keep me up.
I feel sad because I just got back from a 3 and a half day visit to all my family in Kentucky, and I sort of feel like I could have been gone a week or two more, and it would be all the same. I missed Ryan so much - so much that I spent a lot of the drive down there feeling apprehensive. I constantly restrained myself from calling or texting too much, as not to seem like a nuisance. And when I got back I guess I had envisioned more of a homecoming than there was. Granted there are some things going on right now in his family as well which are casting some tough shadows over everything. I guess I just feel like it would take a lot more than I'd hoped to be missed. It's sort of like I don't feel as necessary as I wanted to.
I feel sad because part of me wishes I was still in Kentucky. I realized how incredibly long it's been since I've seen that family, and it was just so satisfying. All my cousins are so, so much older, and I'm so sad that I've missed so much. I don't want to keep missing these large chunks of time, and it's so hard to live so far away. These are some of my absolute favorite people in the entire world, and I've allowed for such a distance to form between us, that I regret so much. My 5 year old cousin Aaron went through an entire bout with cancer, treatment and recovery, and I didn't actually see him during any of it. And those kids didn't even know me when I went to visit because I haven't seen them since they were babies. But within no time at all, they were like my best buddies, and I was so moved by it. I couldn't stop looking at Aaron and thinking that I almost never got to know him. He's amazing, and there's something so incredibly special about him. There's some lesson that is just begging to be acknowledged every second you spend with him, and though I could probably pick out the main points of it, there is more that I just can't quite get in my grasp, and I just want to be around him all the time. I know that just his presence is reminding me of something really really important in life. I sort of felt like that the entire visit. Just that it is far too easy to allow yourself to forget the importance of cherishing and nourishing the people who mean the most to you, no matter how inconvenient it might be sometimes. And that's where I feel sad that I have allowed inconvenience to trump importance. Time doesn't slow down just because you don't balance things correctly.
I wish that I didn't feel this way right now. And I know that there are some things I'm just feeling sorry for myself about. I've been harping on the fact that I'm 7 months pregnant and working full time, tired all the time, blah blah blah, stuff that millions of pregnant women do all across the world. I certainly don't have it any harder. But I still feel overwhelmed sometimes, and I wish that I didn't have to ask for that to be considered sometimes. My threshold for stress is not currently what it used to be, and I feel like I'm going to crack a lot easier than I ever would have before. So things keep piling up on me, and I can't handle it effectively right now, and then I get judged for the way I react to it. And I know that not everyone understands how overwhelming things are to me right now, but it's just another thing that's making me feel so out of control right now. I just want a break. I'm going to have a newborn baby in less than 3 months, and there will be no breaks after that. I just want one now.
I want to feel happy about the fact that it's Christmas, and for once I've managed to spend important time with ALL of my family. I want to stop whining about it and actually take control of how I'm feeling. But there's this little thing inside me, and she's already so damned demanding.... :)
