I had a wonderful day planned today with my best friend. Quality time with someone I adore to relax and forget about all the things stressing me out and weighing me down right now. And then Ada got sick and I have to spend the day exhausted and packing up boxes and feeling sorry for myself. Also feeling like a loser for feeling resentful toward my sick child. Who does that? Me. I just needed something today. To forget that I'm moving in 5 days and have a whole house to pack up. To forget that parenting sucks as it is right now, and I'm terrified how much worse this transition into a new home is going to make it. To forget that my anxiety is at a peak right now and giving me insomnia again and that I'm only narrowly avoiding full on depression through distractions and alcohol. And to forget that I still can't quite make sense of my life after all the events of this year.
So I don't get to forget today. Instead I get to continue cutting ties with my home and feeling like I can't make one decision where I don't end up letting someone down. Sometimes I do the wrong things and I know it, but do it anyways. But most of the time I'm really trying to do the right thing, and the results still somehow leave me feeling like a failure. That's how I feel today. Just like a total fucking failure at everything. I want to be everything everyone needs me to be, I really do. More than anything. But I'm just so fucking tired. Tired to the bone. I am not graceful at meeting the needs of the people I love, nor am I graceful at meeting the needs of myself. I'm always stumbling my way through my relationships and obligations, so stuck inside my head about whether I'm doing it well enough, that I think I'm missing out on a lot of their rewards.
I just can't explain the exhaustion I feel every day lately. I think even if I were sleeping 10 hours each night I would still feel this way. Because only a fraction of it is physical. I'm so hoping after this move is over and we start settling in, the new year will bring some breathing room. I've felt scattered before, but I've never in my life been so keenly aware of the desperate need to get my shit together, but be so lost as to where to start and how to get there.
