Enough

I realize that I need to learn how to be as selfish and self serving as everyone fucking else.  But see, my conscious gets the best of me.  Which is useless.  Because trying to be a selfless person gets you nowhere.  I'm so sick of it.  Too bad it's a habit at this point.  Because I would change it in a blink of an eye if I didn't have such an issue with guilt.  And why the hell do I feel guilty about anything?  It's not like I ever get my efforts reciprocated.  Yes, I'm throwing a tantrum.  I'm at least taking the opportunity to do THAT for myself.  And screw you if you have a problem with it.  

That is all.

More

Fact: It is physically impossible for me to put in a full day of work, make my house sparkle, put dinner on the table, tend to Ada's every need and be a perfect wife with full make-up and not a hair out of place, while also getting in a work-out every day to make sure you can't tell I ever had a baby.

 

Also fact:  I desperately want to be physically able to do all of these things and I feel worthless because I can't.  I just can't let it go.  And sometimes I wonder, since I can't ever sleep at night anymore anyways, why don't I just utilize those hours between 9pm and 5:30am to BE able to do all of those things????  Huh???  Huh????  Oh, because it's crazy.  And unrealistic.  And unhealthy. 

 

It's funny to me how I can recognize all of these things as fact, but I cannot change my mind-set about them. 

 

Every time Ryan sweeps the kitchen floor or wipes down the kitchen counters - Housekeeping Fail.

 

Every time I let him take care of Ada so I can take a nap (unsuccessfully) or try to work out, or take a breather - Mother Fail. 

 

Every time I walk around all day in yoga pants and no make-up, too tired to try and tone up the unsightly skin pouch that became my lower abdomen since having our daughter (yes, I can now be officially considered a Marsupial) - Wife Fail. 

 

Every time I think about how much I resent working now and how much it overwhelms me to have to balance working with mothering - Woman Fail.  

 

And I'd rather not even get into the massive LIFE Fail I feel about being at my current job for the last 8 years (read: almost a decade) and having no foreseeable opportunities to change and actually do something with my life other than work an hourly job I've had since before I was even legally allowed to drink in a bar.  The regret I feel for not caring more and working harder to achieve something when I was still young and free....  Kids, follow through with college.  Don't rack up stupid amounts of debt on your credit cards assuming that you'll be in a fine position to pay it off down the road.  You don't have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life - just do something worthwhile now so that you CAN do what you want to do for the rest of your life when you figure it out. 

 

Everything just feels like failure to me.  No matter what I do.  I can't do anything for myself without an enormous avalanche of guilt burying me alive. I spend 40 hours each week at a job I don't even want to be at anymore, really loathe being at, as a matter of fact, because I made a lot of stupid decisions a lot of years ago, and now I don't even have the option of staying with my daughter and cherishing the moments that are already passing so quickly. And the worst part is that I have no idea how to fix it.  I don't know how it's ever going to feel any better.

 

I have some days when I just cannot put on the face to cover all of this up.  And it's the worst at home.  When it's like that, I feel even more guilty because I know I'm making it harder on Ryan, but I can't muster up the energy to try and fake it.  I know he struggles, especially when I'm so down.  But it's also super hard for me to feel like I have to fake it most of the time.  I expect to have to try at work, around other family members, all of that.   It's always like that.  But my internal battles are putting too much stress on my husband, and so I have to try and absorb it at home too.  Because I know it's not fair of me.  But it's so hard to not have anyone to crumble to when I so often feel like I just want to crumble.  To just be held and told that I'm not a horrible person for not being able to sort this out on my own, and that I'm not ruining anyone else's life just because I can't get mine together during this period.  Because a lot of times I don't know if those things are true, and I don't really have anyone reassuring me.  And right now, I could really use it.

 

Truthfully, I'm a lot more scared about how I've been feeling for the past month then I admit to anyone.  And I'm a lot more scared that I don't know if or when it's going to get better.  I've never felt this much about this many things all at once.  My whole identity has been shuffled since becoming a mom, and I'm still trying to figure out who I'm becoming - it's only been 5 months.  I just don't know yet.  And that makes it all the more impossible for me to deal with any of this effectively.  I'm confused, and I'm scared, and I'm not seeing how I'm ever going to find a balance.  I'm trying really, really hard to see it.  I want to see it.  I'd give anything to see it.  I just can't right now.