Is this it?

It's been a while. It's now almost August and I've been back to work for almost two months exactly. I guess you can say I'm in a routine now. It's become just life again. But I'm working non stop now because Ada is 4 and a half months old, and my work doesn't stop when I clock out for the day. I have to say I'm exhausted. I've never had so much to do all the time. Not to mention the awful bout of insomnia I've been battling for a month now. It all adds up to basically make me crazy. I'm running on fumes every day, and sometimes it's okay, and other times I feel like I should be locked up in a mental institution. I wish I were joking. Ada is becoming such a little person. Nothing brings me more joy and laughter. I fall more in love with her every day. She is my constant, and the only tether I have to any form of sanity right now. If I couldn't count on seeing her big gummy smile saving me every day, I don't know what I'd do. Honestly. She is the greatest thing I could ever have imagined. And that's really important for me right now, because I sort of feel like everything else is falling apart. Some days she is the only thing that makes me happy. I'm having a really tough time being happy right now, is the thing. And the constant not sleeping is making it 1,000 times worse. I keep finding myself coming back to the same phrase in my mind, over and over. That this isn't the life I wanted. And I don't mean having a family - that is the thing I wanted all along. It's the being a working mom. Constantly having a running list of to-do's that I know I'll never catch up with. But that list keeps me from fully enjoying and focusing on the few precious hours of the day that I do have with my daughter during the week. I don't know. I pictured it differently in my mind before she was born. I was sure I'd be the type of person who would be fine wih working full time and being a mom. But I'm not. I'm not doing very well with it. I'm overwhelmed with guilt and chores. The fact that there is never enough time on the day suffocates me. I kind of hate it. And add to that the feeling of utter failure and weakness of being the one woman in this country who just can't handle a job AND a baby. I used to love working. Now I resent every minute of it for robbing me of so much time with my rapidly growing baby. And severely diminishing the quality of the time I do have with her. But I absolutely have no option of not working because our money situation is so bad and we have so much debt. I've never felt so trapped and smothered and hopeless. It's really no wonder I can't sleep anymore. I don't really know what to do. I am honestly taken aback by the complete and total rage I feel sometimes. And the resentment. The guilt. The envy of everyone who doesn't have to feel this every day. I need to see a therapist on my own. Ryan and I still need to see a therapist together to try and fix our issues in our marriage. But chalk that up to another of the many things we need but can't afford. I feel like everything is going to go to shit before we can. I've honestly just never felt this awful. And I don't know how it's going to change. Because as I said, this isn't the life I wanted. Some days I can do okay. But a lot of days re really really horrible, and I can't lift a finger out from under the weight of all I feel. I'm totally in over my head and I don't think I can dig myself out of this one.