This week is therapy appointment number three. I think it's going well. Mostly for right now I think it's the having a plan in motion that is keeping me above water. I still have two weeks befor I see the Psychiatrist and start on an antidepressant. But in the meantime, my therapist is beginning to help me learn to surrender control in certain areas, which I desperately need to do if I ever want to not feel like one big wound up rubber band ball. So far this has entailed allowing Ryan to put Ada to bed three times per week. So far so good, although I still have a minor panic attack each time. I'll get another test this Saturday when we go out for our anniversary and my mom puts her to bed. Yikes.
Other areas of life right now are okay, if not a little daunting. I've decided to start trying to find a new job. Which is hard to make myself do after 8 years of accumulated comfort. Also the fact that I do plan to have another baby sometime before Ada is 3, so I'm a little nervous about that. But the truth is I have to do it. My current situation is making me unhappy. Just plain unhappy. It's time to face change. I would like to have found something new by year's end, but I'm not positive that will work out. What I can't do is make any rash decisions, because we need two constant incomes. But I'd really like a fresh start away from the negativity and effed up dynamics that unfortunately seem to have to overshadow plain work. I'm not a happy person there. I hate every second of it anymore. Not to mention that if I even think about this being the last job I ever have, I have failed at life. I think my lack of confidence is why I'm still there at all. Yet another issue to tackle at therapy. But I need a new path. And I've realized it's work which is eating up a very large percentage of my satisfaction with my life. So it's up to me to change it. The people who make me feel badly inside the office have no control outside of it. So I'm going to stay outside of it.
I feel like next year will be a lot about personal change and goals. And I feel I'm on a good path to accomplish that. I hope I'm right.
