And then I realized: you don't have to understand/dissect/analyze/justify/deny/accept/conquer everything you're feeling. You just have to feel it. And it's okay. And one day you'll feel something else. This is important. This is life. This is love. This is temporary.

Good Days

There will be more good days.  Today was a good day.

This is my mantra. I keep repeating it over and over.  I feel like I'm lying to myself, but it is a true statement.  I wish I could get behind it with my heart.

But fear and fatigue are what keep my heart in a weary place.  Dad's appointment was great, despite the scare.  Ada's appointment was great, and the first step to treating her chronic lung issues.  Despite the ongoing battle.  Everything today had a positive outcome.  But I'm still so tired. And I catch myself feeling sorry for myself that all of the good things anymore have to be preceded by struggle. But I  don't want to feel that way, because, as I keep reminding myself, at least I'm still having GOOD. No matter what it takes to get there.  I would struggle for the rest of my life to just know there would be good at the end. So why can't I stop feeling so dark? I still have good in me and around me.

There will be more good days, and today was a good day.