Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Ada

Ada is here.  She has been here for three weeks.  Born March 12th at 1:24 a.m.  She is perfect.  She is beautiful and bright and incredibly smart already.  I suppose every parent says that, but I swear on all that is holy it's true.  She started smiling at me when she was 10 days old.  She is now three weeks and one day old, and she's starting to make noises and get super excited when I talk to her.  And when she smiles up at me with all those gums, kicking her legs and balling her tiny hands into fists with so much effort to talk back to me, most of the time I cry a little bit.  I've never felt anything like that.  And she's getting more responsive every day.  You may not believe me, but it's absolutely true.  She has some crazy level of understanding and ability to communicate, and when she looks at me, I've never felt so naked in every single facet of my being.  Those eyes are like nothing I have ever experienced.

The first two weeks were an adjustment like I've never ever had to work through before.  And don't get me wrong - I'm still adjusting every day.  But the difference is, during the first two weeks I cried and cried for my old life, my old routines, my old freedom, and I constantly wondered - silently and aloud - just WTF I was thinking.  How could I think that I would be able to do this?  So, so much regret.  And it was hard some days to get up and take care of her.  I know this is common for new moms, but damn that horrible darkness I felt some days.  And now, a day into week three, something seems to have changed.  I still have moments where I get overwhelmed, and I need to get away for a few moments.  But basically, I feel capable, I feel calm, and there is this absolutely incredible love growing inside of me for this little creature that I'm starting to just sit in awe of, and be totally amazed.  I was so scared I wasn't going to develop it in those first two weeks.  But it's starting to completely take me over.  And there are now an increasing number of moments throughout the day where I look down at her, and I am more excited than I have ever been in my entire life that we have so much ahead of us.  She is already bigger.  She's already more beautiful.  She's already changing so much.  I don't want to take a single moment for granted.

She is teaching me.  I am learning from her.  Sometimes it's really challenging to be alone with her all day long while Ryan works, and then have other challenges when he is home.  But part of the reason I'm feeling so much more comfortable recently is BECAUSE I have been spending so much time with her.  I'm learning about her - her personality, what she likes and doesn't like, what calms her and what makes her more upset, how she likes to be held, and what she's trying to tell me with her body language.  I'm by no means a pro at this yet.  I'm just learning.  But I feel like I'm getting to know her so much more lately.  And it makes me want to care for her all the more.  She's so tiny, and she's been thrust into this strange, loud, scary world outside of me.  The moment I hear her whimper or cry, I want to be there.  I want her to know that I will always be there just as soon as she needs me.  I feel that especially right now, in these early weeks and months, we are laying a foundation for our relationship with her, and how she feels with us.  I was so scared that I was royally effing that up in the first couple of weeks.  But now, I am developing such a drive to make sure that I am there.  That's all, really.  Just so she knows I'm there for her.  She comes first.  No matter what else I have going on at any given second, she is the most important.  I think she can tell the difference.  I feel it from the very core of my being when we are looking at each other.  There is such an understanding, and it's the most moving thing that I've ever felt.  I just can't put it into words, even though I keep trying and trying.