Holy abandoned blog. It's been a long time. Contrary to what it seems, I've thought about writing an entry many, many times over the past months. I just generally don't have time. And when I do, I'm too tired. Things have been happening though. Life has been chugging along.
Ada is 9 months old. What?! 9 months! I don't even know how the heck we got here so fast. She is so amazing. And she's getting to be such a funny, beautiful little person. She has the best personality, and she just brightens up my whole heart every day. She is constantly amazing me with so many things. She's so smart, and she's so determined. She is also probably going to be the most stubborn person that ever lived. I didn't think anyone could be more stubborn than me, but I fear for what the teenage years will bring, if these 9 months have been any indication. Right now it's usually hilarious, but there will come a point when it is less hilarous and more the reason I throw myself off the roof of my house. :)
I have officially been taking Paxil for two months now. It has pretty much changed my world. When I think about the place I was in before, it scares me. It was bad. And it's a great relief that I can look back on it now and think, "How effed up WAS I??? Whoa". I handle everything pretty much in stride now. I roll with the punches. I deal with things as they come, and I don't let them crush me. It's a pretty huge feat for me. One I never really thought I would be able to master. But these past two months have been completely different for me. Life doesn't feel like a plastic bag over my head anymore. I am enjoying it. Now that I'm responding like a normal, mentally healthy person to the challenges that I face, I realize that I have absolutely come to love being a mother more than anything in the world. It is phenomenal. Even with all the tough parts. I just feel that there is no amount of freedom, travel, full nights of sleep or hours spent in front of the computer that will ever again be worth even a fraction of what the experience of being Ada's mommy is worth. I love it. I can't imagine that I was ever not a parent. Everything before seems so shallow in a way. Life now is so rich and fulfilling. All because of this little 20 pound bundle of energy that has only been here for 9 months. That is an incredible thing, isn't it? And a little secret I've been trying to keep to myself, because I think most people would call me crazy, is that lately I just keep thinking about having another one. If we were in a better financial situation at the moment, I would be more serious about it. I know Ada isn't even a year old yet. I just can't describe how much I love this job. It's so exciting to think of creating another little person that I love so much more than everything in the world. I am addicted to the love that I feel for my child. (No Robert Palmer jokes, please. You're better than that.)
Last month my therapist and I mutually agreed that I seem to be in a very good place since I started coming for counseling, and since I've started my prescription. So I no longer go for weekly counseling sessions. We agreed that I will only come in if and when I feel like I need a little tune up, or if something starts feeling overwhelming again. I'm so happy to have reached this point. And it didn't take nearly as long as I thought it was going to. I love that my medication allows me to let things roll off my back and not get so overwhelmed by things. But the longer I'm on it, I'm not sure that I'm always recognizing when I am legitimately upset by something. It sort of takes all the sharp edges off of every emotion. It takes a hell of a lot to make me cry anymore, and that has its pros and cons. I don't know if this is how normal is supposed to feel or if I'm not fully feeling my feelings when things bother me. Today I feel a little down about a couple of things, but it's kind of like I know they're there, and it's nagging at me, but I can't fully bring myself to examine them enough to figure out whether they are important enough to discuss. My Psychiatrist said that a lot of people on this medication describe themselves as feeling just "whatever" about most things. Like "I don't care" a lot of times. And although that's pretty much what I needed, because I was at the total opposite end of the spectrum before, when it comes to legitimate things that may be upsetting me, I slightly worry that I'm not giving them due credit because of that. And it's still important to work things out if they don't feel right. I don't know. It's a little weird trying to sort out this new disposition I find myself in. It's largely unfamiliar territory for me, not being so incredibly affected by everything. Maybe I just have to get used to what it feels like to be able to deal with things. How horrible does that sound? True though.
